


Ramblings of a Whipped Peen

by smmiskimen



Series: COUP Saga [2]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Talking Penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-10-21
Packaged: 2017-11-07 03:36:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smmiskimen/pseuds/smmiskimen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a sort of follow up/sequel to Confessions of an Overworked, Underpaid Peen. This will be little one shots of snippets of his life, little happenings, and such. EPPov AH, OOC Beta'd by Preciousfairymom80.</p><p>Does not update regularly, only when inspiration hits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here is the first inspiration for Ramblings of a Whipped Peen. If you are wanting to read this and haven't read Confessions of an Overworked, Underpaid Peen, you should do so first so that you know the story. This story will be from Rod's pov again and there will be no update schedule or anything. The chapters won't be that long but I hope you enjoy each of them. I just couldn't let Rod go!
> 
> The inspiration for this chapter came from Toy Story's Mr. Potato Head's quote of "I'm a married spud!"  
> Thanks to preciousfairymom80 who beta'd and loved this! You are my fav chicky!  
> I don't own Twilight but I do own Rod Pattinhead!

RWP 1 Engaged Peen

_Where's my party hat? Where's my noise maker? When will the guys get here? I need to blossom my peenmance with them._

Edward and I were being taken out by some of the guys on the show for our bachelor's party. The wedding was in three days and Bella and Hot Puss insisted that we not have the bachelor's party the night before the wedding. Something about puke on her dress or some shit. Anyway, the guys were taking us out and we didn't know where.

They finally arrived and drug us out of the apartment, into an awaiting Hummer limo. Emmett and his need for all things big. Ever since Emmett cast Edward and I into the movie he was making, we had become great friends and all sorts of doors began to open for us. Apparently, this was no exception because this ride was decked the fuck out. The windows were so darkly tinted we couldn't even see out, so our destination was a surprise.

When we finally stopped and piled out, Edward began complaining about the location. It was the top strip club in the city, the kind where you threw down fifties and hundreds instead of ones and fives. The guys each handed Edward a small stack of cash, Emmett and Jasper's stacks being the largest as they had become our best friends, and in we went.

I tried not to look, but pussy was literally dripping off of the ceilings. And when someone bought Edward a lap dance, it was all over.

_I'm an engaged peen. I'm an engaged peen. I'm an engaged peen!_

Puss was all around me, rubbing against me, but I held tight to my mantra even though I was getting more than a little hard.

_Save it for Hot Puss. Save it for Hot Puss. I'm an engaged peen. I'm an engaged peen._

After the bought and paid for violation, Edward tried to stay behind everyone else, constantly making excuses to go to the bathroom or to the bar, and pretty soon, he had consumed enough Patron that I couldn't feel my head, body, or my brothers. I was pretty sure he couldn't feel himself either. And when he began to fall over every time he tried to move, the boys called it a night and dragged our drunk asses back to the limo.

Emmett and Jasper deposited us in our apartment, sprawled across the bed in a slovenly drunken manner, and the next morning I awoke to the sight of my sweet Hot Puss right beside me. My mantra had worked and I was still an engaged peen.


	2. Chapter 2

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 2 - It Poked Me

"Edward..." Bella called out in her seductive voice, meaning that she was horny and wanted us to perform.

"Yes?" Edward replied, a smile in his voice.

_Dude, she wants us to fuck her. Say no. Say no!_

"Can you come into the bedroom?" she asked and I wanted to scream when Edward got up and began walking toward our room.

"Is there something you need?" Edward asked her when he reached the bedroom door.

"Yeah...you," Bella replied from her position on the bed, completely naked, legs spread, and belly full with my demon spawn.

I willed myself to not get hard, to stay soft and limp, but the damn traitorous peen that I was made me helpless to the view of Hot Puss sitting there, moist and inviting.

_Say no, Edward. Don't succumb to her wicked ways!_

"Mmm, I think I can help you with that," Edward said as he started to get undressed, allowing me to spring free, shamefully hard.

_I'm pathetic! Can't even get soft when I want. Dead kittens. Dead puppies. Bea Arthur naked! Betty White sucking on me! SHIT! Not working! Mayday! Mayday! I've gotten hard and I can't get soft!_

Edward climbed onto the bed with Bella and held himself up over the flesh cage currently encasing my mini me. _That's right, Hot Puss is going to squeeze out a miniature version of me, attached to a whining, crying, shitting alien, that is. But still, Rod's going to be a papa!_

Edward and Bella began to kiss but the position became difficult due to the protruding problem peen. So, with a shift and a tug, Edward ended up standing at the foot of the bed and Bella and Hot Puss were right there, at the edge, lined up with me, and I was going in...

Now, I will say that one great thing about a pregnant puss is that it can't get any more pregnant. That being said, it's a bit creepy in there once things start moving on the other side of the wall.

I think it was time I had a talk with my son.

_Junior, it's Papa Peen here. Um, I was wondering if you could do me a favor and roll over and go to sleep. You know Daddy gets performance anxiety if you watch. And please keep your hands and feet inside of the uterus during the ride. Can you do that, son? Can you be a good little peen?_

Junior didn't answer and didn't move as Edward slid me in, so I hoped that he was sleeping away and wouldn't wake until after the fact.

Edward started out slowly, like he didn't want to rush it, but Bella had other plans.

"Harder, Edward. Fuck me harder!" Bella moaned as Hot Puss moistened around me.

_Don't listen to her._

"I don't want to hurt him," Edward said as he started to thrust a little harder, but nowhere near as hard as he or I could.

_Yeah...yeah! You will hurt him. Don't hurt my spawn! Don't do what she wants!_

"You won't and I need you...please?" Bella begged and I heard Edward sigh and then I was moving.

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

Edward began to thrust me in harder and faster, taking me back to the pace we used to use all the time. As enjoyable as it was, I knew it was just a matter of time before the rocking would bring about the knocking.

Hot Puss was gushing around me, I was trying to shrink every time we got near Junior's door so I wouldn't knock on it, Bella was begging for more, and Edward was giving in to the needy woman!

_Shhh! Quiet! Slow down! Go softer! You're going to wake it up! OH SHIT!_

Edward kept thrusting, unaware of what was going on deep inside, but I had found the cave monster, and it had woke up!

Thrust.

POKE!

Thrust.

POKE!

Thrust.

POKE! POKE! POKE!

_FUCK MY EYE! I'M BLIND!_

Yep, it happened. My mini me, the little Satan peen spawn had woken up. And now I couldn't see because my little fucker had poked me right in my eye, through his bedroom door, and temporarily blinded me.

I wanted to get soft that instant and call off the daytime quickie, but my brothers had an entirely different idea...to finish!

I was helpless to stop any of it, and felt my bile rising up my body, ready to shoot out at a moment's notice. Edward seemed to feel it too because he reached down, right above me, and began to ring Hot Puss's doorbell, making her quiver and clench around me.

Bella was moaning, Edward was grunting, Hot Puss was throbbing, and I was just praying that it would all be over soon so I could let my vision return.

Apparently the peen gods were smiling down on me because the next second Hot Puss clamped down on me, squeezing me for dear life, which caused my baby batter to surge forth, painting the walls around me.

Edward finally pulled me out and went to the bathroom to clean me up and grab a washcloth for Bella. As he wiped me off, he looked down at me and I glared back. Edward raised one eyebrow at my expression and I went off.

_You fucker! You better find some damn way to make Junior get the hell out of there ASAP or else I'm not going back in!_

Edward cocked his head to the side, as if asking me why, and I had only three words for him on my reason.

_IT. POKED. ME!_


	3. Chapter 3

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 3

 _ **Ruined!**_ It was fucking ruined! And it was all Junior's fault! Well, I can blame Edward for that, too. He just had to be a daddy. He even told Bella that having kids was the logical step after getting married, so since they had tied the knot a year before, Junior planning was the next phase.

And he had fucked my groove up!

First I was happy. All the puss I wanted, and Hot Puss ate it up eagerly, taking me time and time again. And I got to go skinny dipping in her well constantly. And then, when my legacy was planted and my job was done, I got to continue skinny dipping because once you're pregnant, you can't get any more pregnant. Not to mention the pregnancy hormones. SEX! ALL! THE! TIME!

But then Junior began knocking on the door during our impromptu wrestling sessions, and when I was kicked in the face through the cervix, I was DONE! I refused to go anywhere near Hot Puss until her hotel had a vacancy.

What really sealed the deal, though, was watching Junior barge out of Hot Puss, completely redecorating my peen cave. I mean, come on! There is no way possible for me to ever fit snugly in there again after his behemoth ass came out.

I mean, I'm like probably two pounds and nine inches long, and this hulk of a crying baby comes out, all flailing and shit, weighing in at six pounds, four ounces, and is nineteen inches long! That is like trying to put three of me in there at once and having our heads almost a foot from bottoming out. Seriously? HOT PUSS IS RUINED!

Now, don't start thinking that I hate Junior, because, let's face it, he's my little peen. Rod Pattinhead procreated! Scary shit, man, scary shit. But I think Hot Puss made him defective because all he does is sleep or scream, which is putting a serious damper on my marital love life. Not that I wanted to feel like a hot dog down a hallway.

Shit, where was Hot Puss? Did she hear that? No? Ok, whew! She would have killed me if she heard me say that.

I began dodging her, making Edward relieve my baby batter under the guise of a shower. I didn't want that goop anywhere near Hot Puss ever again. Not if I was going to be forced to see her stretched past max capacity again.

Our daily shower sessions had been going well for six weeks, when the shit hit the fan and Bella and Hot Puss caught us.

"Edward…" Bella's voice floated through the steam filled room and Edward froze, mid stroke. _Don't listen to her. Ignore her. Don't fall for her!_

"Yes?" he replied, his voice slightly strangled, and then the curtain was pulled open and there stood Bella and Hot Puss, naked and looking hungry…for us! _Fuck my life!_

"Do you want some help with that?" Bella purred, and I wanted to shrivel. _Boner killers. I need boner killers._

"Are you sure? Where's Masen? Did the doctor say its ok?" Edward asked excitedly; I was anything but.

"Yes, I'm sure," Bella said as she slipped into the shower between us and the water, "Masen just went down for his nap, and the doctor said whenever I was ready."

"You're not getting my hopes up, are you?" Edward asked, pulling Bella against him, which made me practically snuggle with Hot Puss. She was quite warm and put out her invitational vibes, but all I could think about was Junior breaking her. _RUINED!_

"Would I do this if I was?" Bella asked, gripping me tightly and pumping. I wanted to get soft. I tried, really I did. But it wasn't working! Her hand felt too good and I was too damn horny. _No! Fight the peentality! Don't give in to the soft…warm…haaannnnnddddd!_

But I didn't want to dive head first into puss. Maybe a blow job? Or a hand job? Or…anal! Yes! Anal would be amazing! However, my suggestions fell on deaf ears as Edward and Bella begin to kiss and fondle one another.

Ok, Rod. Time to suck it up and put on your man panties…manties. Edward wanted this, Bella wanted this, and apparently so did Hot Puss because she was standing there salivating for me, practically drooling down her lips.

"God, Edward…make love to me please," Bella moaned and the water was shut off and we were on the move. I tried to trip him up, I really did, but it didn't work.

Wet, naked limbs and bodies became tangled on the bed. And I was moved closer and closer to Hot Puss. I could do this. I could take one for the team.

"Edward, I want you now," Bella moaned loudly as his fingers moved past me to dip into Hot Puss. So, he did a quick check to see if she was ready, grasped me gently, slid my face up and down Hot Puss's mouth to coat me slightly, and then slid me into my demolished peen cave.

I kept my eye squeezed shut, afraid to look around and see how different everything looked. It was bad enough that it felt…wait, what?

Edward pulled back and thrust forward, and I was actually quite…cozy. I slowly opened my eye and took in my Hot Puss surroundings.

It looked familiar in here, but different too, like someone had rearranged my room while I was gone. It was all still here, still nice and comfy, a little squishier, but it was _niiicccceeeee_. Oh yeah, nice!

I started getting into it, exploring my territory that only needed recharting. It was almost as if I was getting a new puss without cheating. HELL YEAH!

Edward was still thrusting, Bella was moaning, and I felt my brothers begin to suck up to me. _What? It had been a few months, alright? I wasn't a two pump chump, but without regular use, my stamina suffered._

I tried to hold it off, I really did, but there was no stopping the surge of the baby batter when Edward pinched on Hot Puss's panic button and sent her over the edge. She locked down on me and I was gone, squirting my name all over her remodeled walls.

Edward pulled out and cuddled up next to Bella, and I was left with the realization that Junior didn't ruin Hot Puss, he just remodeled her. And I could live with that. Change is a good thing!


	4. Chapter 4

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 4 – Dancing Peen

"I'm going to put Masen to bed, you go relax in the tub," Edward told Bella one evening, picking up the seven month old Masen.

"Honey, I can put him to bed. You've been working all day, hell all week. Why don't you go take a hot shower and I'll bathe later," Bella replied, holding her hands out for Masen.

"Nope, I'm fine. You go relax and I'll be in there once he's asleep," Edward said and Bella finally relented, kissing both Edward and Masen, said her 'I love you's' and headed toward the master bedroom while us men…well two men and a boy…well a man, a peen, and a baby boy…headed down the hall to Masen's bedroom.

A diaper, a sleeper, and a rocking chair later, Masen was finally starting to get the idea.

"Be a good boy for Daddy tonight, because Mommy and I need some special time," Edward told Masen as he sucked on his bottle, his eyes already drifting closed. "That's my boy. Sleep, son, and dream of cute little diapered girls."

 _Yeah, Junior. Dream of the peen you'll someday be. Dream of the women you will someday please. And dream of all the tonsils you will someday see._ Yeah, much different bedtime sayings, but I had to train the little peen right!

Once Masen was sound asleep, Edward put him in the crib and headed toward a very wet and naked Bella and Hot Puss. Yes, she was still hot even after almost being ruined by Junior. But hey, now she was like a newer model, all redecorated and shit.

Bella was still in the tub when Edward and I got to the bedroom, so he started getting everything ready. It had been a week since I'd been in Hot Puss and I was more than eager to get back in my home.

Ten minutes later, the water started to drain so Edward turned the lights down low and started up some soft music to ease Bella's fears of Masen hearing us. That kid was passed out and wouldn't be surfacing for at least five hours, so the music wasn't necessary, but it did help set the mood and I began to bounce with anticipation.

When the bathroom door opened revealing a damp and towel covered Bella and Hot Puss, I was at attention, bobbing and bouncing with want.

"Eager tonight?" Bella purred as she walked over to us, running a finger down the naked expanse of Edward's chest until she reached my hair-do.

I jumped in response and Edward nodded.

"I can tell, he's practically dancing for me," she said as she dropped to her knees and let go of the towel.

_She thought I was dancing? My jumps weren't dancing, but they could be._

I started to bounce and bob more, allowing myself to sway slightly side to side in front of her face. Bella licked her lips in desire and I moved more for her, really getting into it so much that I started singing in my head.

_I am the dancing peen! Hard and lean, fuck like I'm seventeen!_

_Dancing peen! Feel the heat from my thick, long meat!_

_I can dance, I can fuck, but now I want you to suck!_

_You're my puss, hottest I've seen. I'm your dancing peen!_

I swear I heard Hot Puss start to laugh, but all sounds were suddenly muffled as I got my award for best peen dance…a soft, wet, suctioning mouth wrapped around my shaft, making both Edward and I moan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I totally defiled Abba there, but loved it while doing it!


	5. Chapter 5

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 5 - Peen Down

I couldn't believe my little Junior was about to turn one. If you would have asked me a year ago if I was happy to have a little spawn entering the world, I would have looked at you cross eyed and asked if you were insane, and yes, I can look at you cross eyed with only one eye. Don't ask me how, I just can.

Bella and Hot Puss were in the kitchen baking the cake for tomorrow's party for Masen, and Edward and I were lounging on the living room floor with Masen as he crawled and crept around the room, discovering his area.

He'd been trying to walk for a few days, but never made it further than a single step before falling down on his butt.

Distracted by the television, Edward and I weren't paying attention to Masen, opting to look at the college gymnasts on the screen. _Hey, they were legal and it was on ESPN so sue me!_

"Oh my god!" Bella's voice sounded out loudly, and Edward and I turned to see Masen taking wobbly steps across the living room, right towards us.

"Go Masen! That's Daddy's boy!" Edward encouraged him and I was super impressed with my little Junior. Poppa Rod was proud.

Bella pulled out her cell phone and quickly started recording it while Edward continued to coax Masen toward us. He was only two steps away when everything went horribly wrong.

Apparently my son can trip on air, because he did, and the last thing I saw before the blackness and stars consumed my world, was Masen's chubby hand coming right for me.

"Holy shit!" Edward grunted out, cupping me after contact had been made. I think I heard Bella off in the distance laughing, and Masen started crying; but all I could think was 'peen down!'

I think Bella put Masen in his play pen, because she was crouched down next to me, checking to see if Edward was ok.

"Nooo," was Edward's strangled reply.

_I think I'm going to vomit, and not in a good way._

"Honey, it can't hurt that bad," Bella said, trying to calm Edward down while he was choking, gasping for air, and drooling on the floor.

_Peen down! Peen down! Call for life support, stat! I'm throbbing and don't think I'll ever get up again!_

"Here, let me see if he's ok," Bella said, trying to reach for me, and Edward rolled over quickly, away from Bella's advancing hand.

_No motion in the ocean! Room's spinning, can't function!_

"If you calm down, I'll kiss him and make him feel better," Bella said after she leaned over next to Edward's face, and that actually got my attention and started to make the swirling black hole of pain recede some.

"Pro...mise?" Edward strained out, still coughing slightly.

"I promise. It's Masen's nap time anyway," Bella replied, and kissed Edward on the cheek before standing up to retrieve Masen.

She carried him into the kitchen with her to get a bottle, and Edward finally released his protective cup on me. He started to try and get up, but was still breathing heavily and had only made it to his knees when Bella walked back by with Masen.

"It's time for your nap, little man. Besides, Mommy needs to kiss Daddy's love muscle and make it all better," Bella cooed to Masen as she walked down the hall and that was all it took for the rest of the black void to clear out, allowing me to believe that I might soon be 'peen up.'


	6. Potty Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever since Rod updated, but I just didn't have any inspiration for him until tonight, and this is the result. I thought about the rest of the short chapters to finish this sequel of sorts up and it looks like about 5 more or so until I wrap this up, and each will be a major time jump as this 'story' only started out for a place to document major milestones for Rod. Hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Preciousfairymom80 is the personal groomer for Rod, making him all nice, clean, and pretty. She delivered this back to me saying, "The Royal Penis is clean your highness." (Ten points if you know what movie that's from)
> 
> I only own the plot, and Rod Pattinhead and Hot Puss of course!

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 6

"Come on Masen, just like Daddy," Edward said, coaxing Masen up onto his step stool.

"Daddy, me pee-pee like you?" Masen asked and Edward laughed and nodded his head.

"Yep, Masen. You're going to go potty just like Daddy. Ok, now remember, Mommy gets very mad if you don't get all of your pee-pee in the water. And lift the seat up, ok buddy? Mommy gets mad if it gets wet," Edward told Masen as he lifted the toilet seat up and then reached for his zipper.

I was about to be unsheathed in front of Junior and I didn't quite know how I felt about it. Junior was perfectly content to continue using diapers, but Masen, his host, wanted to piss like Edward, so here we were, standing in the bathroom, and Masen already had Junior out and in his little fat hands, holding him just like Edward had shown him.

Edward pulled me out in all my impressive glory and held me, aiming my face right at the toilet. This had to be the worst part of my job ever, being the transfer station for Edward's liquid waste. Why couldn't guys have a separate hole or something? Women didn't piss out of the same hole I went exploring in, so why did I have to spew forth the vile yellow stream?

_Oh god! Here it comes!_

Edward started relieving himself into the toilet, and it took Junior a minute to get over his stage fright, and I couldn't blame him with the audience he had. He was just a little peen and deserved to be snug in a diaper. But since Masen was now three, Edward and Bella and Hot Puss all thought Masen needed to learn how to use the toilet. Fuck them all! Well, all but Hot Puss. _Don't tell her I said that, ok?_

"Daddy! I pee-pee-ing! I pee-pee-ing!" Masen started squealing like crazy and jumping around, which caused Junior to start bouncing and the liquid filth to start spraying around the bathroom.

I clammed up, fearful that I'd get sprayed by it, and Edward dropped me, left me hanging on display as he steadied Masen and redirected the stream of disgust toward the toilet.

"Buddy, you can't jump around like that. Now we have to clean up the mess or Mommy will get very mad, ok?"

Masen finished peeing and Edward went to help him tuck Junior away in his Elmo undies when the worst experience ever occurred.

_Masen touched me!_

One minute I was hanging there, all but forgotten for the time being, and the next, that fat little hand was reaching out and he poked me!

"Masen, no sir. You don't touch Daddy's pee-pee. That's a no-no spot," Edward chided him while tucking me safely away, thank god!

"But Daddy, whys you gots hair on your pee-pee?" Masen asked and I heard Edward sigh while he grabbed a wash cloth and spray to clean up Masen's mess.

"Because Daddy is a grownup," Edward replied.

"Oh..." Masen trailed off, looking lost for a minute. "Whys your pee-pee so big?" Masen asked again and Edward actually choked before he could answer while I sat there, beaming smugly.

 _Damn straight I'm a big pee-pee, I mean penis, dick, cock, anything that means peen except pee-pee_.

"Because I'm a grownup," Edward replied again, trying not to snicker as he did so, but I was full out laughing, rolling around in my banana hammock.

"Will I gets a big pee-pee with hair when I's a growed-up?" Masen asked, honest curiosity burning in his voice and expression.

Edward finished cleaning up the mess and flushed the toilet before tossing the dirty wash cloth into the hamper and putting the spray back. Then he picked Masen up to wash his hands as he answered.

"Yes, Masen. When you grow up to be a big guy like Daddy, your pee-pee will get hair on it and will get bigger," Edward said, fighting a smile. I just rolled my eye because, yeah, Junior was my son, but no peen would ever be as impressive as Rod Pattinhead!

"Ok," Masen replied happily and dried off his hands while Edward opened the bathroom door, letting Masen run back to the dinner table where quite a few of our friends had gathered for a big dinner.

"Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" Masen yelled as he went and Edward was right behind him.

"What, honey?" Bella asked, picking him back up and putting him in his booster seat beside her.

"When I's get big like Daddy, all growed-up, my pee-pee will be super big and it will gets hair too!" Masen squealed while holding his hands as wide as they would go to show how big he thought I was.

 _Yeah, I'm a pimp peen! Making all the boys jealous of my size!_ I gloated while Edward flushed red with embarrassment and everyone else started laughing hysterically.

"Masen," Edward said, trying not to laugh with everyone else as he took his seat at the table, hiding me underneath it and away from jealous, prying eyes of the rest of our dinner guests.

"Yeah, Daddy?" Masen looked at him.

"We don't talk about our pee-pee at the dinner table," Edward said, ruffling his hair playfully and Masen smiled and nodded.

"Ok, Daddy. I's not tell anyone that you gots a big pee-pee no more," Masen said solemnly and it started up an entire new round of hysterics at the table.

That boy was going to be the death of me, but I couldn't be too mad because he just confirmed it that I still had it. Rod Pattinhead was still an impressive peen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! See you again sometime, hopefully soon!


	7. The Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever and I'm going to try and get the last few chapters of this I have planned out this month because I'm also wrapping up my other WIP and then I will be writing fanfiction no more. It's time for me to move my writing efforts to my original fiction and focus on that. I'll still be around but won't be penning any new fics in the foreseeable future. But thank you all for taking the time to read this. I appreciate you all more than you'll ever know.
> 
> Preciousfairymom80 is my beta babe even if she's deluding herself to think that her preteen son isn't ready for 'the talk' and the actions that may start coming with it. LOVE YOU CRYSTAL! And babies do grow up lol.
> 
> I only own the plot and of course, Rod Pattinhead!

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 7 – The Talk

I was sleeping snug in my boxer brief hammock when I was awoken by Hot Puss's host's voice.

"Edward?" Bella called out and Edward immediately tensed and had me on high alert. The way she said his name was not good. That woman wanted something.

"Yes?" Edward replied, walking out to the kitchen where she was sitting with a cup of hot tea.

"Have a seat, we need to talk," she said and I blanched. I seriously couldn't have gotten hard even if Hot Puss was naked and hovering over my head because all the blood had left my shaft and I was probably as white as a ghost.

"Did…I…do…something?" Edward asked very slowly, trying to figure out what was going on and I just knew that Hot Puss and I were no more. We hadn't been fooling around so maybe Hot Puss had fallen for another peen? Fuck that! I'd woo her back with my swivel and twitch signature move. I'd keep Hot Puss my puss forever!

"No, but I need you to," Bella replied and her cheeks slightly reddened.

"Bella, what's going on?"

"Um…this morning…I was going to make sure Masen was up…and…" Bella was clearly flustered and growing redder by the minute.

"What? Is he ok? Is he sick? Do I need to take him to the doctor?" Edward asked in a panicked tone.

"No, not sick and he is ok, but I'm not. Not after what I saw," Bella replied and Edward grew even more panicked.

"Just tell me what happened!" he nearly yelled at her and it was enough to fire Bella up so she yelled her response.

"I found our son masturbating!"

Silence.

More silence.

Still more silence.

No one spoke for nearly ten minutes and finally Edward broke the silence.

"So…you need me to talk to him, right?" he asked Bella and she nodded.

"He needs the 'sex' talk and I know I won't be able to get through it without embarrassing him further since I caught him this morning," she replied.

"But, he's only ten. He shouldn't be doing that yet. I'm not ready for the sex talk yet!" Edward whined and I scowled up at him since enough blood had returned to me after the admission. Truly, I wanted to laugh at it all. I knew Junior would be a handful, and he probably was…literally, but Edward and Bella were making such a big deal out of a simple situation. I'd make sure to impart my pearls of wisdom on Junior while Edward fumbled his way through it with Masen.

"Look, I'm going to head out before he gets home from school and let you handle this. I just can't have the talk with him with a straight face and I think it'll be better coming from you since you weren't the one to catch him in action. I know I was supposed to do this since you potty trained, but after what I saw and the resulting embarrassment on both of our parts, I think you need to take this talk," Bella told Edward and I really understood where she and Hot Puss were coming from. Besides, a peen-to-peen talk would be more appropriate as I was experienced in it all where Hot Puss had only been on the receiving end of my superior shaft.

With the agreement made, Edward began worrying about how he would handle the conversation with Masen. Right before Bella left, she ruined his best plan when she told Edward that he wasn't allowed to use porn for the talk. Defeated, he slumped in his recliner and waited for Masen to arrive.

About thirty minutes later, his bus brought him and Edward was waiting to talk things over.

"Hey Dad," Masen called out as he got off the bus, then looked around to see if Bella was there and looked relieved when he didn't see her. "Mom not home?"

"No, she's giving you and me some time together," Edward told Masen as he shut the front door and led him into the living room.

"She told you, didn't she?" Masen moaned, burying his face in his hands and Edward started to stumble through his explanation.

"Son…you know that as you get older you will begin to have some urges…" Edward started but I tuned him out and decided that I needed to get to Junior before Ole Eddie Boy could ruin him with his stuttered, stumbling explanation.

_Junior, you listening? Good. So there are some things I want to tell you about being a man-peen. You'll get there soon, I promise. In fact, I already know you're well on the way to man-peenhood after what you did today. Now, there's no reason to be embarrassed. All peens have times of rigor mortis and your host will yank on you incessantly. Try to talk Masen into using lotion or lube or something because you can chafe. Trust me, I know._

_Also, there's going to come a day in about five or six years, though I hope it's more like nine or ten years, that you are going to have sex. Now, Junior, sex is where you get suffocated in a rubber wet suit and shoved repeatedly in and out of a puss. Your eye can be slammed into the puss's back wall, your brothers might suck up to you in an uncomfortable manner, and you will start to feel sick to your stomach. Then, when you think you'll not be able to handle anything else, any more torture, you're going to be forced to throw up on yourself inside that wet suit._

_Now, as unpleasant as that sounds, it is enjoyable, and you can go bareback if the chick's mouth is on you instead of her puss. Now, when that happens, you might get bit, have teeth scraped up your body, and be covered in foul smelling slobber if the chick has halitosis. Yeah, I've experienced it before and it's not that pleasant to wear that smell, but if you're able to spooge in her mouth in retribution, give yourself a pat on the back._

_And, let me tell you that you better NEVER get wet in a puss without your wet suit on. There are some funky diseases out there that'll make your mouth-eye ooze funky gunk and your brothers' itch like they've been infested with the fleas of a thousand camels. And don't get me started on the ones that make funky shit grow on you. So, repeat after me, 'wet suits are required to ride the peen.'_

_Ok, got all that? Good then, my work here is done. Go out upon the puss laden world and make Papa Rod proud._

"So, you got all that?" Edward asked Masen as I finished speaking with Junior. "Good, then my work here is done. Don't go out there and think you can do anything you want and remember to respect the woman first and foremost and your pleasure is second to hers." Edward told him and then stood up and headed for the kitchen. I had a feeling he needed a beer after his talk while all I wanted was a date with my Hot Puss after mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope none of you spewed drink on your computer while reading this lol. I almost did going over it with preciousfairymom80. Only a few more life events planned and Rod Pattinhead will get tucked behind the zipper for good. Hopefully I'll see you soon.
> 
> Oh, and may I add that if anyone would like to download a copy of any of my fics for personal use, please feel free. But all I ask in return is that you respect my wishes and not pass the downloaded format around in emails or upload it to sites. My stories will remain posted as of now and I would appreciate it if the link is what was shared and not the document. Thank you for understanding and complying.


	8. A New Role

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! Another update so soon! What's happening? And you'll be even more shocked to know I have chapter 9 already done, beta'd and ready to post in a few days. I only have 2 more planned after that so there will be 11 chapters total. Remember, I told you this wasn't a full sequel, more of just snippets/futuretakes of Rod's life with Hot Puss. Hope you enjoy this one!
> 
> Oh, and Ramblings of a Whipped Peen is up for Best Humor WIP in the Emerging Swan Awards so go vote for Rod! www(dot)esurveyspro(dot)com/Survey(dot)aspx? id= 219e1b90-4526-4c9a-9f1e-372cae504f1b (replace the (dot) with a . and take out the spaces.
> 
> Preciousfairymom80 is the best ever and I think she got a little teary eyed to know that Rod is coming to an end. I know I did.
> 
> I only own the plot and Rod!

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 8 – A New Role

"Edward?" Bella called out as we walked in the door from our meeting with producers.

Edward and I had just finished up auditions for a new show and Bella was eager to see if we had gotten the role. She had been texting nonstop for the past hour, home alone and anxious to hear some news. Masen had been gone for a while, off for college the year prior and his sophomore year had started a few months ago.

Edward and Bella had taken some time off of work but Edward missed it so he was trying again. Bella still owned Cold Shower Studios but handed over the daily running of it to an old friend of ours, Steph. She had worked for Volturi Videos with Edward and had decided to retire from performing but still wanted to be in the business, and they had brought her on at Cold Shower Studios.

Bella was more than pleased with her work and taught her how to run the company so that she could take the time off that she wanted. They had actually talked about possibly trying for a baby again now that they had an empty nest, but I protested, demanding that they not put my Hot Puss out of commission like that ever again!

After much discussion, they decided that it wasn't really what they wanted, and that with where they were in age and life, starting over again wouldn't be best. I was thankful, as was Hot Puss, and everyone decided it would be best to just have fun, enjoy life, and fuck like rabbits whenever we had the chance.

"Yes, dear?" Edward replied.

"Did you get it?"

"Get what?" Edward asked, being purposefully evasive.

"Did you get the role?!" she demanded to know and Edward just smiled lazily at her.

I, on the other hand, was giddy as fuck! Rod Pattinhead was going to be a Vampeen! Edward had gotten cast in a new vampire series on HBO and was going to be the sex addicted, blood sucking sheriff of an area in Louisiana and his character was the owner of a vampire club.

"Maybe…" Edward replied coyly when Bella glared at him.

"You tell me now or you'll get no sex for a month!" Bella growled and Edward knew she was serious, she had threatened it before and held up on it until Edward caved.

_Tell her, man! Tell her now! I need my Hot Puss!_

"Yeah…I got it," Edward said with an excited tone and Bella tackled him, squealing and screaming in excitement.

"You're going to have to bring your fangs home," Bella moaned as she began to kiss and lick on Edward's neck.

"Hmmm, yeah? You like the idea of me biting you?" Edward asked as he rolled Bella over, pinned her to the floor, and bit her playfully on the neck. "Want me to suck your blood, baby? Or do you want me to fuck you with my vampire strength and speed?" he asked and Bella moaned wantonly. "Yeah, I think you want the big, bad vampire to fuck you, huh?"

"God, yes, please," Bella cried out when Edward bit her nipple roughly through her shirt and bra.

_Yeah, Rod gets to play in Hot Puss! Hey baby, can this Vampeen suck your blood?_

"Edward, please, fuck me…" Bella moaned and Edward complied, ripping at Bella's clothes as if he really was a vampire.

Her shirt buttons flew everywhere when he pulled at the front of it. He snapped a bra strap trying to get to her breasts. Her panties were ripped from her hips, and then I was being plunged deep into Hot Puss.

From the first penetrating thrust, my face was slammed repeatedly into Hot Puss's baby maker door. I swear my profile was going to be embossed there, but give a fuck I did not!

Rod Pattinhead, the world's first and only Vampeen, was marking his territory in his Hot Puss. I was Sheriff and she was one of my charges, and charge forth I would, boldly staking claim in my Puss-pire, solidifying Hot Puss as the only capital Rodtopia would ever have.

"God, fuck, yes!" Bella screamed when Edward continued to thrust roughly, his teeth clamping down on her neck where it met her shoulder, and that bite was enough to send her over the edge.

Hot Puss began choking me, her walls shuddering around my Vampeen shaft, strangling me for all I was worth, but Edward kept surging me forward, thrusting in and out as my brothers sucked up against me in a delicious manner that hadn't happened in a while. Sure, Hot Puss and I got down on a regular basis, but not like this. Not rough and raw and just plain dirty.

"Fuck, Edward!" Bella screamed as her body rolled, waves of release washing over her.

It was too much, too tight, too perfect. I couldn't hold on any longer and I began to spew my little swimmers all in Hot Puss, filling her up as I fell semi soft against her canal of love.

"Damn, baby. I didn't know fangs would get you so hot and bothered," Edward said, smiling at Bella and kissing her while I just tried to catch my breath.

"Just wait till you see how horny they make me when you bring them home and wear them for me while you fuck me," Bella crooned and I felt myself getting a little stiff again.

_Hey Hot Puss, want me to see if I can get some Peenfangs for you? Huh baby?_

She quivered around me and I knew that my Hot Puss would go wild if I did. _I could see the new series now, Vampeen and the Coven of Coochies. Ooo, maybe I need to pitch that idea to Eddie Boy for a new movie from the studio!_

"Come on, let's go have a repeat on the bed. These old knees aren't meant for riding you on the floor," Bella said with a laugh, squirming out from underneath us as she stood.

"Baby, you're still perfect to me," Edward crooned to her before smacking her on the ass, making her squeal. "Now, get that tight ass in the bedroom before I fuck you again over the couch."

Bella took off running, giggling the entire way and Edward and I strolled cockily after her, me swinging stiff as my song began playing in my mind.

 _Well you can tell by the way I thrust my hips_  
I'm Hot Puss's peen sliding in her lips  
Moaning loud and Hot Puss warm  
I've knew she was my puss since my pubes sprout forth

_And now it's all right, it's ok and I always look the other way  
You can try to understand Hot Puss's effect on this peen and man!_

_Whether you're a lover or whether you're a fucker you're fuckin' all night, suckin' all night_  
Feel the puss breakin' and the bed's a shakin' and were fuckin' all night, suckin' all night  
Ah, ha, ha, ha, fuckin' all night, suckin' all night  
Ah, ha, ha, ha, fuckin' all night…

And yes, Hot Puss and I would be fucking all night long if I had my way about it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you in a few days or so when the next chapter posts! Hope you enjoyed and that you never hear the BeeGees the same way again! Don't forget to give Rod your vote!


	9. Puss-In-Law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another Rod snippet. And, with what I have left to write, there are only 2 more little outtakes/futuretakes for Rod and Hot Puss. I will never kill him off, and who knows, I may revisit him in the future at some point, but his run is coming to an end. I will try to have another for you next weekend but am working to finish up my other WIP Hear Me so I can start on my original fiction.
> 
> Preciousfairymom80 is my bestie beta and I think she may love Rod as much as I do.
> 
> I only own the plot and Rod Pattinhead.

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 9 – Puss-In-Law

"Mom? Dad?" Masen's voice rang out and Edward and Bella froze, as did I from my position still deep inside of Hot Puss. Edward and Bella had grown to love midday sex in the living room, dining room, hell any room that wasn't the bedroom.

"Shit!"

"Fuck!"

"Clothes! Get them!"

"I don't know where they are!"

Edward and Bella continued to yell quietly at each other as I was yanked cruelly from Hot Puss and hidden behind a throw blanket off of the couch. Bella was beside Edward, both of them blocked by the blanket, but if anyone looked from behind they would see nothing but nakedness.

They had just gotten themselves covered when Masen walked into the den.

"Oh god, no! You didn't! Not in here!" Masen moaned just as someone else appeared in the doorway with him.

"Bree, um, why don't we wait in the kitchen?" Masen said hurriedly and tried to get her out of there before she saw Edward and Bella, but it was too late.

"Um, hi Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. Um…Masen has told me a lot about you," she said politely and Edward, being the suave gentleman that he was, stepped forward to shake her hand, not thinking about our current state.

When the blanket pulled back some as Bella refused to let go of it, I was revealed in all my glory.

I winked at the poor blushing girl, twitching slightly as I did so, and Masen yelled at the same time the girl's eyes got wide, her gaze dropping down to me.

_Hi there!_

"Edward!" Bella yelled, snatching him back as Masen grabbed the girl and pulled her from the doorway.

"What?" he replied, not knowing exactly what had happened.

"While half the world has seen your dick on video at some point or another, I'm not sure that the girl our son brings home will want an up close and personal view," she said and Edward just shrugged. Nudity hadn't really ever bothered him and he pulled Bella to him, kissing her soundly on the lips.

"Why, Mrs. Cullen, are you jealous that Masen's girl got an eyeful?" he asked with a teasing tone.

"No. I'm just worried about you scarring the poor girl for life. He's never brought one home before so she must mean something to him. Now, let's go get dressed and see who she is and why he's home in the middle of the semester. I know it's his senior year and all, but still, he doesn't do things like this."

"Yes, ma'am, and don't worry, I'm sure everything's fine," Edward said, wrapping his arms and the blanket around Bella as they carefully moved to their room to get dressed so they could see what Masen was doing home.

 _Psst! Hot Puss!_ I whispered to her as Edward and Bella were dressing. _I have a feeling that Masen's got some news… Maybe all I taught Junior over the years ago was put to use?_

Edward and Bella went to the bedroom and hastily threw on clothes while discussing what could have brought Masen home, with a girl in tow.

"You don't think he knocked her up, do you?" Edward asked and Bella gasped.

"Don't make me think like that. Maybe he's proposed," Bella suggested with a dreamy voice. Such a romantic that one was.

Well, my Junior was a damn fine peen, if I did say so myself. I wouldn't be surprised if he had sweet-thrusted some puss into the promise of a wedded bliss.

"Come on, let's not keep them waiting," Bella said with enthusiasm and grabbed Edward by the hand, pulling us out to the kitchen where Masen and his girl were waiting.

The initial introductions were tense as the girl, whom Masen introduced as Bree Tanner, kept staring at me.

I wasn't paying attention until Masen cleared his throat and made the announcement that this Bree girl was going to me my new daughter…puss…puss-in-law? Yeah, puss-in-law…I like the sound of that. Maybe I should make my introductions.

_Hi there my little puss-in-law. I'm Rod, Rod Pattinhead. Yeah, I taught Junior everything he knows. Ever see my body of work? I starred in Raiders of the Lost Arse and the sequel Indiana Peen and the Jungle of Pubes. Yeah, that wasn't a stunt cock._

Bella cleared her throat and nudged Edward, who walked off to get drinks for everyone as he adjusted me. I didn't realize it but I had started to stand up and say hello. What? Sue me! That puss-in-law's host, Bree, was pretty hot with big, innocent doe eyes just like my Hot Puss's Bella had when she was in high school. Besides, Bree was dressed in a knee length plaid skirt, a white blouse, and black ballet flats. She was the epitome of an innocent school girl. And any peen in his right mind would stand up and notice the potential naughty school girl in the beautiful girl.

"Look here, buddy. Bella sees you getting all stiff and shit for some young girl and she's going to cut us off. Do you want that? Want to have your hot piece of puss taken away?" Edward asked, as he shifted me to hide in his waistband. I looked down, my eye full of remorse. I couldn't help it that I was just a peen. Edward and I had to share blood and there wasn't enough to run two heads at once so I was often left to my natural state of desires, unable to think coherently as he tried to be all adult and shit.

"Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. You behave while we meet Masen's fiancé and I'll talk Bella into dressing up in her school girl outfit later tonight. Deal?"

I twitched in Edward's pants, letting him know I fully agreed to the deal and sat back thinking of anything and everything to keep me from rousing in front of my future puss-in-law.

And later that night, since I had been such a good peen, I got a school girl of my very own in the form of a dressed up Hot Puss. And she was definitely hot for her teacher, Mr. Pattinhead in the flesh!

The night was full of hot sex and rough love making, and when it was all said and done, and we were all curled up naked in the bed, Bella asked Edward a question that made me shiver.

"You don't think we're getting too old to have sex like we do, do you?" she asked and Edward sat up, looking at her with shock.

"What?! No! Do you think we are?!" Edward asked in a panicked tone and Bella laughed.

"God, no! I just was wondering if it was normal for people our age to get freaky like we do."

"What do you mean, 'our age'?" Edward asked slowly.

"We're not getting any younger, and don't think I haven't noticed the gray hairs we're both sporting. In fact, I even noticed a few down there on you earlier," she said, pointing at me.

_What!? Rod Pattinhead did not go gray! Edward, hurry, go look! I can't have gray hair!_

Edward must have agreed with me because he sprung forth and ran to the bathroom, turned on every light in there and even used Bella's magnifying makeup mirror with all the extra bright lights, and sure enough, right there above my body, were three, thick gray hairs.

_Pull them out! Pull them out! I'm not an old peen! I'm not! I don't have gray hairs!_

Edward looked down at me, back in the mirror at himself with the salt and pepper temples and random strands of gray throughout the rest of his head, and then sighed as he turned out all the lights and went back to the bed with an amused Bella.

"When did I get so old?" Edward moaned as he curled up against Bella's fun bags. I was resting on her thigh, whining to Hot Puss.

 _I'm not an old peen. I'm not an old peen! I can still get it up so that's all that matters, right Hot Puss? You still love me even though I have a few more wrinkles, don't you?_ Hot Puss's response was to gush a little for me, and that made me feel infinitely better.

"You're not old, Edward, and neither am I, but we aren't thirty anymore. Masen's almost twenty-two and we have both surpassed half a century. But fear not, my handsome man. No matter how many gray hairs you may get, no matter how many wrinkles you may sport, I'm always going to love you. Oh, and you too," Bella added in, reaching down to pat my head and I jumped enthusiastically at the contact. "Really, Edward? That kind of reaction from a simple touch? And you were worried about getting old!" Bella said with a girlish giggle as she pushed Edward onto his back, straddled us, and slid a dripping wet Hot Puss over me, sheathing me in the glorious puss that I loved so much.

I may be getting older, but I still had my Hot Puss and Edward still had his Bella, and Masen and Junior were happy with Bree and Puss-In-Law, so all was right with our world. As long as I could stand up, I would never complain about a gray hair again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwww! Rod's going gray! Poor little peen! I think he needs love from us all to assure him that even if he goes totally gray and bald that we'll still love him! See you soon with the next to last chapter!


	10. Legacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again, and this is the last normal chapter. After this there is only the epilogue and I'm going to try and have it up for you all asap. Great news! Rod won Best Humor WIP in the Emerging Swan Awards so YAY for Ramblings of a Whipped Peen! Thank you all who voted! I hope you enjoy this and I'll try and hurry with the last Rod Pattinhead chapter ever. Sniff sniff! Sad to see him go but I'm moving on to the wonderful world of original fiction. I'll update my stories with info once it's published if anyone's interested in following me to the outside world. 
> 
> XxTwilight CrystalxX, formerly preciousfairymom80, read this and loved it! Hope you all do too!
> 
> I only own the plot and Rod Pattinhead!

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 10 – Legacy

 _Junior, I have to tell you something, son…_ I started out then took a deep breath and decided to let it all out since Junior and Masen were nervous wrecks, pacing the halls endlessly as Bree and Puss-in-law were busy screaming down the hall. Bella and Hot Puss were in there waiting for the doctor and anesthesiologist to arrive and give her the good shit so she'd quit threatening to cut Junior off for being the reason she was in pain.

_I am so glad you weren't a puss. Son, pusses are crazy! They are I tell you! They can be sweet and loving and wet and dripping one moment and then you say the wrong thing and BAM! Suddenly they are as dry and unforgiving as the Sahara Desert and as nasty as a pissed off wasp! They will attack for no fucking reason! Now, that being said, pusses are what we peen live for. They were made for us and us for them. And I know you can't deny that you wouldn't do anything and everything for that little Puss-in-law just as I would for Hot Puss._

_Now, that being said, if Puss-in-law pushes out a grandpeen for me then I want you to remember this conversation, and all of the ones I've given you throughout the years, and make me a proud Papa Peen. My Grandpeen would need to fill the thrusts of the legacy I started and you continued._

_But, if Puss-in-law pushes out a grandpuss, then we are all in for a world of trouble because, as I told you, pusses are crazy! Plus, she'll never get any; I can assure you of that. No matter how much Hot Puss and Puss-in-law try and lobby for her to date, we'll put our brothers down and prohibit it. No Grandpuss of mine or Little Puss of yours will ever get poked by some rabid peen. We clear, Junior?_

"Masen?" Bella's voice rang out in the waiting room, breaking up whatever discussion Edward and Masen had been having. "It's time, Bree's asking for you and the doctor will be in there soon."

Masen got up and Bella took his place, curling into Edward as she sighed.

"I'm not old enough to be a grandma," Bella whined as she put her head on Edward's shoulder and he chuckled in response.

"How do you think I feel? I'm the one with gray pubes," Edward countered and Bella started laughing at him, lightening the mood and moving conversation to back and forth teasing about how old each of them was.

It was two hours later when Masen finally reappeared, looking weary but smiling widely.

"Mom? Dad? Come on, they're waiting for you," he said, directing Edward and Bella down the hall. Bree's parents wouldn't be in town for a few days as they lived in Connecticut and Bree had delivered two weeks early. They had already scheduled a month visit from Bree's thirty-nine week mark to well past her due date, hoping to be there to see their first grandchild brought into the world. But, apparently my grandspawn couldn't be reasoned with and decided to come early,  _but that hasn't ever been a problem with me_.

I felt Hot Puss glaring at me so I quit snickering, especially since we were about to walk in so I could meet my grandspawn.

We all walked into the room and there was a small bundle in the generic, multi-gendered blanket and hat so you didn't know if it was a boy or girl. But Masen quickly cleared up that question when he introduced us to the child.

"Mom, Dad, meet your granddaughter, Tanner Riley Cullen."

Bella and Hot Puss gushed over the little bundle of puss and even Edward looked overjoyed. In fact, everyone in the room appeared to be celebrating the fact that I had a Grandpuss! A Grandpuss!  _No, I was supposed to have grandpeens! They were supposed to carry on the legacy and I'll be damned if a grandpuss of mine will ever get near the legacy!_

I lay there in my hammock, sulking while everyone else visited, laughed, cooed, and praised Masen and Bree for their little Tanner.

Hours later we all left and headed back home leaving Masen and Bree to enjoy Tanner privately. When we got home later that evening, I just wanted to sulk, but Bella, Hot Puss, and Edward had other ideas. I was rubbed against, massaged, and even licked, but I just wasn't into it like normal. Apparently Edward felt the slight disconnect too because later that night, while Bella slept, he and I wound up in front of the computer clicking through clips of old films we had done together.

I guess Bella either heard us or woke to find us gone because she appeared behind Edward, her arms wrapping around his neck.

"Whatcha doin?" she asked, her voice still thick with sleep.

"Nothing," Edward said quickly as he clicked off the website but it wasn't fast enough and Bella saw what we had been looking at.

"Trip down memory lane?" she asked with an amused look and Edward just shrugged while I hid my head from Hot Puss's stare.

"Not really..." Edward trailed off when Bella began laughing at him.

"Let me guess, you think you're old but you want to relive your glory days and you hoped to one day share them with a grandson like you did with Masen?" Bella asked and Edward and I both looked at her, shocked expressions on our faces. "Don't think I didn't know that you showed Masen your old porn videos to show him how it's done. I'm not stupid," Bella admonished both of us teasingly. Edward dipped his head to hide the smile that fought to escape.

"If it makes you feel better, since I know you are going to scare off any potential guy that Tanner attempts to talk to, Masen and Bree told me that they wanted more, several more, so your chances of getting a grandson are still there and you can pass on your  _legacy_  to him," Bella said the last part with a light laugh and Edward and I both brightened at the prospect of ensuring that the Cullen line of men would forever be masters in the bedroom. And speaking of, I was ready to remind Hot Puss who the best peen ever was.

"Now," Bella spoke, her voice changing to one laced with desire as she slid onto Edward's lap, her sleep shirt riding up to reveal her lack of panties underneath. Hot Puss was hovering right over me, wet and ready for me to fill her up. "Show me what exactly Rod Pattinhead can do," she said and Edward and I registered exactly what she called me three seconds later. Apparently Edward's face showed the shock he was experiencing by her calling me my secret name, the name one of our first girls gave me when she compared me to legendary porn star, Rob Pattinson.

"How do you know that name?" Edward asked her in a choked voice and Bella laughed as she pulled Edward's pants down, exposing me before sliding Hot Puss over me, completely shutting out light and burying me in the delicious warmth I would always desire.

"Girls talk, especially girls in the business, and there are multiple websites devoted to Rod Pattinhead, complete with close-ups, gifs, and videos of him in action. Sorry to inform you but they cut your face out of all of them and focus solely on Rod," Bella teased and I was fucking stunned.  _Entire websites, as in plural, devoted to me? Women around the world knew I existed and didn't care that I was attached to Edward or him to me? Women had pictures, gifs, and videos of me at work, in my prime, spreading my legacy worldwide? Fuck and yes!_ I cheered as Edward thrust me up into Hot Puss, coating me in her slick moisture, allowing me to reclaim my territory and storm the cervix like it was D-Day.

Moans, groans, grunts, and cries of pleasure filled the room as I filled Hot Puss repeatedly, reminding her of my legacy, showing her my love, and reveling in the puss that was made just for me. We had created sweet passion together, fucked like wild animals, fought, made up, and made the most precious creations in the world, Masen and Junior. We had Edward and Bella, Masen and Bree and Tanner, and eventually there would be more Cullens running around, filling the days and nights with love, laughter, and the continuation of my legacy. I couldn't have asked for more in my perfect peen world.

_My life is complete._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwww! Rod's happy! Hopefully he'll get his Grandpeen eventually and, as I said above, there's only one chapter left. Hope to see you all soon!


	11. End of the Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the very last chapter of Rod Pattinhead and the Peen Saga we experienced. Thank you all who came on this ride with me, loved Rod as much as I did, and gave me delicious ideas for more. Thank you all who allowed me to write you into the story, I truly appreciate it and am honored that you trusted me to immortalize you in fanfiction. 
> 
> XxTwilight CrystalxX - aka preciousfairymom80, you are amazing and thank you for beting all these chapters, cringing and laughing with me, throwing out little snippets and one liners here and there, and for being my best friend. You are an amazing woman and I can't wait to see you in 3.5 weeks for the Twilight Marathon and BD2!!!
> 
> I only own the plot and Rod Pattinhead, and all the love I have for each and every one of you!

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen Chapter 11 – End of the Road

"Rod, buddy," Edward said in his raspy voice, worn with age. "I think it's the end of the road for us."

I wanted to look up at him but I could only just lie there limply against his thigh as I sighed heavily. I just didn't have the energy to do anything, even the simple act of standing up was nearly impossible and happened only about once a month or so now. I was a sad, pathetic, old, wrinkly peen now.

 _But Hot Puss still loves me, even in her aged state,_ I told myself, trying to give myself an ego boost, and it worked too. I was pushing ninety, fucking ninety! That equated to seventy-five or so years of fucking, sucking, rocking the boat, and thrusting under my belt,  _or should I say brothers as I don't wear a belt?_  No matter what, I had a good, long run, but Edward still had life in him, as did Bella, and Hot Puss was still my puss. Yeah, she occasionally needed a little assistance in the moisture department, but what could I expect really? She was as gray as I was, nearly as old, and had been thoroughly loved by me for over half a century.

_God, saying it like that makes me feel really old! Shit! I am really old! I'm an old peen!_

I tried to shake that thought out of my head and focused instead on my accomplishments in life. My legacy had lived on, like seriously lived on. After Tanner, Masen and Bree ended up having four boys, Anthony, Charlie, Marcus, and Felix. And those boys definitely carried on my legacy. I think at first they were a bit weirded out to know that their grandpa had been a porn star, but then they realized that he knew all the best tricks and Edward and I had constant private conversations with my grandpeens about how to treat a woman and a puss properly while making her remember us forever.

Anthony ended up marrying a sweet puss named Claire and they gave me my first great-grandpeen, Samuel, and then a great-grandpuss, Leah. Tanner married a peen named James and they had a daughter named Victoria, my first great-grandpuss, and two sons, Tyler and Eric, great-grandpeens that helped carry on the Cullen and Rod Pattinhead legacy.

Charlie met a sweet little puss named Renee and they gave me a great-grandpeen they named after Edward and a great-grandpuss they named after Bella. They're currently expecting triplets, all boys, and are naming them after my other grandpeens, Anthony, Marcus, and Felix.

Marcus surprised all of us, but not in a bad way, when he came out that he was gay, and he met a wonderful peen named Aro who was actually an ex-porn star. They met when Aro was contracted through Cold Shower Studios while Marcus was managing it. Yeah, we kept the company in the family. Marcus and Aro decided to adopt three boys from Romania, brothers named Stefan, Vladimir, and Caius. All three eagerly took the Cullen name and I proudly bestowed my legacy upon them as well. You didn't have to be a Cullen by birth to be a Cullen in the heart and mind, and those three boys were definitely Cullens!

Finally, Felix met a vixen of a puss named Gianna, another porn star that had been contracted by Cold Shower Studios, and he shocked his mom, Puss-in-law, when he decided to join the industry too, in front of the camera instead of behind it. Felix and Gianna helped us bring out a new line of videos featuring pregnant women after Gianna was expecting and she and Felix made a home movie that was leaked somehow.  _Knowing my Grandpeen, he was the one that leaked the video. Yeah, he was proud of his wife and I had to admit that Edward and I sneaked a peek at a few of her films. She was a fine puss, but was nowhere near the level of Bella and Hot Puss._

Felix and Gianna had two children, a boy and a girl, Alec and Jane, and were expecting their third next month, another boy named Garrett.

With all those grand and great-grand pusses and peens running around, I sometimes had trouble keeping track of the numbers, but I added it up the other day when I was trying to stand up and needed a distraction. In total my legacy has stretched to become Junior and Puss-in-law, one grandpuss and four grandpeens, two grandpeens-in-law and three grandpusses-in-law, four great-grandpusses, and a whopping twelve great-grandpeens. Yeah, my legacy had branched out, retained control of Cold Shower Studios, and had even entered the business. Rod Pattinhead would live on forever through the peens and pusses of my descendents.

"Rod, you listening to me?" Edward spoke up again in his shaky voice. I chanced an attempted glance up at him, barely able to move, and Edward sighed at my lack of mobility. "I had hoped it would never come to this, but I have to do it. I hope you understand. The doctor said it was completely safe and that I shouldn't have any ill effects, but it still feels a bit wrong to have to go this route."

 _What in the hell are you talking about?_ I asked Edward and he reached behind him and picked up a white pill bottle, carefully twisted off the cap, and dumped a single blue, oval pill into his hand. Then he picked up a bottle of water and started to twist off the cap when I realized exactly what he was about to do.

_No! No, Edward, don't do it! Don't take the pill, man! Come on, we don't need that to please Hot Puss and Bella. You still have your tongue and fingers and I can become a grinder instead of a thruster. I'm sure my wet noodle shaft can make some friction against Hot Puss's pleasure button. Please, man, I'm begging you. Don't drug me! Come on, Edward; say it with me, 'crack is whack!'_

But Edward still didn't listen, and he finished uncapping the bottle of water, took a mouthful and tilted his head back as he lifted up the blue pill of medically enhanced erections, and dropped it in just as I screamed 'no' at him. But it was too late, the deed was done, and Edward was going to turn me into a junkie, I just knew it.

Thirty minutes later, Edward was still sitting on the bed, naked, and I was trying unsuccessfully to curl up in the fetal position to cry about being forced into drug use, when the strangest thing began to happen.

I felt this weird tingling sensation begin in my brothers and start working its way up my belly to my face. Edward must have noticed it too because his wrinkly, paper thin skin started to engulf me as he gripped me in the way I had become attuned to.

He slowly stroked me up and down, allowing the tingling sensation to spread further as I felt myself ballooning up to my former glory state.  _Holy fuck! The drugs are taking me over and I…I_ like _it!_

I was ashamed to admit that I was getting a damn spectacular rush off of the wacky crack Edward had forced upon me, but the thought of reliving my glory days with Hot Puss helped me push back the guilty feelings I was having from enjoying what was happening.

Five minutes later I was rock hard and raging for puss. I literally felt as if I was vibrating with the desire to go forth and conquer Hot Puss. And if I had my foreskin I would have pulled it halfway over my head and marched around the room talking like Beavis as I shouted out  _I am Rod Pattinhead! I need Hot Puss for my ejaculate!_

I think I might have said it out loud, because Hot Puss and Bella walked slowly into the room just as I was beginning to bob with excitement. Bella looked pleased at finding Edward stroking me in my upright state and she crossed the room and slowly stripped down before sliding onto the bed.

Edward rolled over carefully, finally releasing me and I immediately missed the contact to my tingly body, but I didn't have to wait long for more because he grabbed the lube from the bedside table, oiled up Hot Puss so she wouldn't be rusty, and then slid me in with ease.

At our age, there was no rough sex, hard fucking, or fast paces, but the slow, steady rhythm we set was more than enough for Edward and Bella to enjoy themselves and Hot Puss and me to get off. After orphaning my swimmers into the barren Hot Puss, Edward slowly rolled off and curled up next to Bella, pulling her frail body into his arms and I nestled up against a sated and sighing Hot Puss.

"I love you, Edward," Bella murmured sleepily and Edward returned the sentiment before they fell into the midday sleep they had earned at their age and activity level.

I was still a bit stiff, but knew that it was the drugs doing it so I just tried to lie against Hot Puss and ride out the juice. And as I began to drift off to sleep, I realized that crack may be whack, but it helped me get my groove back, and that was all that mattered because it meant that Rod Pattinhead kept his Hot Puss happy.

I may be an old, wrinkly peen that has fallen and can't get up without drugs, but my Hot Puss was happy, our hosts were still very much in love, and my legacy was stretching on and spreading to conquer the world. Yeah, I've had a great life and I know that the last of my years will be even better with the help of Edward's new wonder drugs and a happy Bella and Hot Puss by our side.

Just before sleep fully claimed me, I leaned over to kiss Hot Puss on the lips and quickly tag my puss with my signature call sign…  _Rod was here!_

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww! Rod's over! There will be no more outtakes, futuretakes, or anything else. And I"m going to finish up my last WIP Hear Me and then quietly slip out of the fanfiction arena. I'm moving on to write original fiction and would be honored if even one of you felt my writing enjoyable enough to purchase. Thank you all for coming on this ride, laughing, cringing, and blushing with me, and for keeping Rod in a special little place in your heart. He loves you all nearly as much as I do. Thank you.


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